A personal note filled with very personal thoughts… I usually do not share those.
Someone asked me a while ago why I am so nice with people who are not nice to me. I smiled as I recalled having several persons asking me, during the past year, that exact same question. Some assuming I was too religious to fight back (style: من ضربك على خدك الايمن در له الايسر), others that I had a weak personality, and few that I was scared of replying and then having Karma hitting me back.
It was none of those… religion, karma, personality… nothing matters when it comes to matters of dealing with people in different aspects of life. Whether it was a family, friendship or business related issue, I can never hold hatred.
But the question remaining to be answered would be “why”. Why was I being able to tolerate wrong and not fight back, why was I be able to forgive an ex-boyfriend who cheated on the spot, a colleague who backstabbed without telling it out, a friend who babbled without taking distance, a person who threw a whole load of anger on me without blocking back…
While I am not here to talk about myself and tell people what to do and how to act, I can however explain how I personally think and why I do not “fight back”.
When I reached my 25th birthday, I felt the down impact of age that most would feel at 30… I had survived a quarter of a century. That for me was a bigger number than 30 or 40 will ever be. I had back then too much negativity going on in my life to the extent that I enjoyed nothing. I was always smiling, but never happy. I drew people I badly cared about back then away due to my lack of interest, constant nag and miserable attitude. Soon and before I realized it, I was alone and even more unhappy. They say people who care about you will stick around… they probably will for a while, but sooner or later, when you affect them negatively, they pack and leave.
Paying high the price of my age burden (at 25, it was not acceptable!) I turned to reading and focused on some self-help books and articles. Surprisingly they were fun to read and nourished my thirst for psychology. It felt good. Slowly, I started going out again, meeting new people, building new friendships. I even enjoyed being a mother more and started seeing things from a whole new direction. It was probably due to the fact that I had spent a long time on your own and paid high the price of loneliness.
That price didn’t make me however lower my standards and expectations of relationships; like everyone out there, I wanted my friends to be as nice and supportive as I was with them, I wanted my colleagues to be cooperative, my companion to be as faithful and committed as I was, etc…
But things were never perfect simply because life is not perfect. And I was back to feeling negative again!
This time, I decided I did not want to let anyone go. Not because I cannot survive alone, I can. Everyone can survive alone. But I did not want to let anyone go because I cared too much about those around me (and those around me today, in my inner circle, know for a fact that no matter what I will always be there). I did not want to let go because I was not perfect myself, why would I expect them to be?
What started as a simple decision fast turned into a life changing experience. I was happier. Less negative. I still nag a lot but I also tolerate nagging and am a more supportive person. It might be out of the fact that at a certain time of my life I lacked support and an ear to listen to me, so I learned how hard it was to be alone. I also learned forgiveness. Not because my religion, other religions or ethics say so. I learned forgiveness because everyone around me is good if the right buttons are good and bad if the bad buttons are pushed. And mistakes? Who doesn’t make them? I learned to forgive and forget without even holding hate or arguing about them.
Some think I might be weak, running away from facing the problems or too weak to handle an argument. To those, I speak out for the first time in years: I am a little monster if I decide to argue but I choose not to. Silence is harder. Forgiveness is harder. Smiling and forgetting is an art. And life is too short not to mention such arts.
So next time something happens, think again before you judge my personality. Sometimes I simply let go of a situation because I care too much about a person to let him go. And sometimes, keeping someone close is worth a lot more than picking a silly argument.
Plus, I’m almost 32 now… am I not too old for arguments?
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